I am delighted to be here today to announce the launch of ‘BRITOSTAR’, an entirely new rail link between Great Britain and the rest of the world.
This new, post-Brexit transport service will be the first time that Global Britain is able to directly connect with our international dominions, through a bespoke, and uniquely British deal.
Today I can reveal that BRITOSTAR will introduce a new service, departing from London Saint Pancras for a range of global cities, including Paris, Lille, and Brussels. From there, British businesses will find it easy to connect with the entire world, opening up totally new opportunities for travel, trade, and tourism that were previously restricted by our membership of the European Union.
The all-new BRITOSTAR service features our patriotic liveried train carriage, entirely decorated in the Union flag. Yes, this rail service is the true reflection of this government’s red, white and blue Brexit!
I would like to take this opportunity to correct some fake news that has been published about the BRITOSTAR service.
Contrary to some reports, BRITOSTAR will be entirely and gloriously independent of European rail services. It is true that we have concluded a partnership agreement with an existing service, whereby our BRITOSTAR carriage will be coupled to Eurostar trains in order to be towed to the continent.
But the lack of our own engine does not mean that we are dependent upon Eurostar for our service. As part of our bespoke agreement we have guaranteed that BRITOSTAR can decouple itself from the Eurostar train at any time it chooses. Simply by removing the connecting coupling, the BRITOSTAR carriage can transform itself into a splendid static embassy, able to represent British interests from a practical, stationary position on the tracks.
We have also successfully negotiated an agreement that our carriage will be the last one coupled to the Eurostar train, a premium position which will allow BRITOSTAR travellers to lead from behind as they set forth on the path to global domination.
Some have claimed that BRITOSTAR will simply mirror the existing Eurostar timetable, offering the same service, but in a different colour. This is a complete misunderstanding. After due consideration, the British government has evaluated different timetable options, and concluded that an itinerary which happens to match the existing Eurostar service suits our needs at present. However, in contrast to the pre-Brexit situation, we retain complete freedom to vary both the destination and timing of our service, according to British needs, and British aspirations. (Subject to future Eurostar decisions on timetabling and destinations, terms and conditions apply.)
Certain malicious reporting has even suggested that this entire exercise is a costly and pointless rebranding through which UK travellers receive an inferior, more expensive service, a pretence of independence, but no control over direction or destination.
To this I say… Behold, Our Union Jack Carriage, Behold The Sunlit Uplands, Behold Global Britain!